October 4, 2024
Nurturing, supportive, and empathetic—these are just a few traits you might think of when you picture the ideal parent. If that doesn’t sound familiar, you’re not alone: A lot of people have toxic parents. In fact, one in four adults will break off communication with a parent at some point in their lives, reports Best Life.
“A toxic parent exhibits a pattern of behavior that causes guilt, fear, and anxiety due to their inclination to put their needs above their children,” explains Jenny Flora Wells, an associate clinical social worker and holistic therapist. “This creates a highly dysfunctional family dynamic that can affect their children across the lifespan.”
Here are some examples of typical toxic behavior in parents—plus some expert-approved guidance on how to cope.
First, it’s important to note thaUt “toxic” isn’t a clinical term or diagnosis. It’s just a catch-all term to describe certain problematic behaviors. While this can certainly include more obvious harm like physical or sexual abuse, toxic parenting can also entail subtler harmful behavior that may be harder to recognize.
“When I hear this term, I think of parents who don’t have the ability or willingness to engage in self-observation and self-reflection, resulting in an inability to take responsibility for their behavior,” says Christina McWalter Granahan, a licensed clinical social worker and Enneagram-informed therapist.
According to Bonnie Scott, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Mindful Kindness Counseling, a toxic parent continually stirs chaos within the household or family. “They are often unpredictable and controlling,” she adds.
Experts agree that the easiest way to recognize toxic parenting is to look at how they get their needs met from their children. If they’re using guilt, fear, obligation, or other manipulative tactics, that’s a solid sign that their behavior is toxic.
Having a toxic mother or a toxic father can definitely impact a child’s emotional and mental health from a young age. “Having a parent who is exhibiting toxic traits during your childhood can be dysregulating and traumatizing for a child who is a sponge, soaking in the world around them,” says Wells.
Dealing with a parent’s unpredictable moods and behavior can dysregulate a child’s nervous system, putting them in a state of constant fight or flight.
“This nervous system state is enacted by the body to keep us safe; however, being in a constant survival state takes a big toll on physical and mental health,” Wells adds. “Stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues can arise due to these changes in the nervous system.”
Additionally, Granahan notes that a toxic parent often isn’t able to hold space for a child’s wide range of emotions—including sadness, disappointment, or anger.
“This teaches a child that only certain emotions are acceptable, and their personality will develop around that experience,” she explains.
Plus, since their parent’s behavior is all they’ve known for their entire life, the child doesn’t have a frame of reference for healthy family dynamics. As a result, Scott says they may grow up thinking their parent’s communication style is totally normal.
“The effect of growing up in that way is that kids don’t learn to trust their instincts, and they are typically really unsure of their own identities,” she explains.
Experts also agree that toxic parents’ behavior can take a toll on the child’s self-esteem. Whether you have a toxic mother or a toxic father, experts say their behavior can have a lasting impact on your emotional and mental health. Even if you are no longer living with your parents or don’t see them very often, the effects of their toxic parenting may still be evident in your everyday life.
Particularly if you had a parent who constantly criticized you, Scott says you may become a perfectionist. This stems from the belief that your safety depends on doing something “just right”—a fear you developed during childhood.
“Toxic parenting can also lead to people-pleasing behavior,” notes Jackie Golob, a licensed professional clinical counselor and sex therapist. “Having a critical parent that is toxic can negatively affect self-esteem. This can show up in relationships with others as poor boundaries and not standing up for yourself or sharing your feelings.”
According to Scott, adult children of toxic parents may even struggle to connect authentically in relationships because they repress their true feelings and have a hard time expressing their needs. They might also find it difficult to navigate conflict because it wasn’t modeled for them in a healthy way growing up.
Should a child of a toxic parent choose to start a family, there might be a “trickle-down effect” where their trauma gets “passed down” to their own children. One example of intergenerational trauma is if the adult child of a toxic parent has perfectionistic tendencies, which are then modeled to—and adopted by—their children.
- They dodge responsibility. One common trait you might see in a toxic parent—or any toxic person, for that matter—is a lack of accountability. They almost never apologize, even when something is their fault, says Sean Abraham, a licensed clinical social worker at Grow Therapy.
- They have no boundaries—and disrespect yours. Wells says a toxic parent usually has poor boundaries, themselves; and will, therefore, have immense difficulty acknowledging and respecting yours. Since boundaries are what dictate what kind of behavior you will and won’t tolerate, toxic parents may reject them and outright trample over them.
- They use manipulation to get what they want or need. A parent with healthy communication habits will directly ask for what they want or need from you. But toxic people use tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and the silent treatment to get their needs and desires met, says Abraham. These are all forms of emotional abuse.
- They’re self-centered. A toxic parent has a knack for making absolutely everything about them, says Granahan. For example, if you share that you’re feeling particularly exhausted this week, they’ll one-up you by saying, “Well, at least you didn’t have to work late three nights in a row, like I did!” Or, if you tell them about a raise you got at work, they’ll turn the conversation back onto their own professional achievements.
According to Granahan, this self-centeredness may be rooted in their own childhood experiences. If their needs weren’t met growing up, they might have learned to overcorrect by becoming more self-involved.
- They ‘parentify’ their children. “Toxic parents often leave their kids to take on the role of the parent or family authority,” says Granahan. Parentification can show up in a variety of different ways—from expecting the child to pack lunches for their younger siblings to leaning on their child for an inappropriate level of emotional support.
Here are some expert tips for dealing with toxic parents—and toxic people in general:
Set boundaries. Boundary setting may initially feel uncomfortable, but experts insist it’s necessary in a toxic relationship. Wells suggests using this script: “If you [undesired action], I will [repercussions].” For example, this might look like: “If you raise your voice at me on the phone, I will hang up.” “All boundaries are better when they are small enough to be measurable and come with a consequence you’re willing to follow through with,” says Scott. Therefore, if you’re not ready to go no-contact, don’t use that as a consequence.
- Limit contact. It’s OK to put a time limit on your calls and visits with a toxic parent. In fact, therapists say this is an excellent tactic for minimizing any mental or emotional distress from your interactions.
- Don’t fuel the drama. You might consider sticking to small talk when dealing with a toxic parent. Keep in mind that it’s completely normal to yearn for parental advice, validation, or support, but they might not be able to give it to you. Seeking something they aren’t capable of offering will likely only end up causing you hurt—so if you can, try to get those emotional needs met by other people in your support system.
- Take breaks when necessary. If your toxic parent continues to push your boundaries, your mental health is plummeting, or you’re having trouble keeping up with self-care, your work, or other life responsibilities due to their behavior, experts say it’s totally OK to step away from the relationship. “Always know that you can choose to walk away when you need space and create a temporary boundary,” says Wells. “Whether that means walking to another room or taking a few days away—or even weeks or months—from talking to your parent.”
- Talk to a professional. Across the board, experts agree that talking to a licensed mental health counselor can be invaluable when navigating a relationship with a toxic parent. According to Granahan, a therapist can provide a much-needed objective viewpoint on your parent’s behavior—which is especially crucial if you’ve experienced gaslighting and are questioning your experiences or emotional reactions to those experiences.
There’s no doubt that a toxic parent can have a slew of negative effects on your mental, physical, and emotional health—not only during childhood but well into adulthood. That said, there is hope. Remember: You get to decide when, where, and how often you communicate with your parent. Protecting your own well-being is always the top priority—even if that means limiting your contact or taking occasional breaks as needed.
And whatever you do, don’t try to navigate this tricky relationship alone. Working with a therapist, or even leaning on friends and other family members, can serve as an important reminder of what healthy, respectful, mutually fulfilling relationships should feel like.
Research contact: @bestlife
